Let’s talk about dreams. I don’t mean one of many songs by Diana DeGarmo, either. Seriously, her entire album is filled with references to dreams. But I have some effed up dreams. Seriously, I do not understand what the hell is going on inside my head at night. I’m listening to Diana DeGarmo while I write this. Remember Diana DeGarmo?!

Dating in Dreams with Girls

Last night I had a dream that I went out on a date with a girl. I have no idea why I would do such a thing. I’ve barely been on a real date, let alone a date with a woman. For some reason or another, I had to walk to her place. Must just be some subconscious reality as I don’t do much driving lately. But I don’t remember if the date was any good or not, but I know I didn’t spend the night. By most definitions, that means the date was no good, right?

I had to go back to her place the next day because curiously I left my cargo shorts there. Apparently it was summer and I took them off at some point before or after our date. But I did not dream cheat with this lovely (I don’t remember what she looked like, actually, but let’s assume she was a 10) lady. I know that much to be true. When I walked back over (a long distance, actually) I found out that she was not at home. I had to open a box to ring her apartment and put in a code. The code was 9-3-7 and I knew it perfectly. I rang her apartment and she didn’t immediately answer, but eventually came to the door like she was on her way out. I called her bullshit excuse that she was running late and told her I needed my shorts. She then handed me a bill for $48.23 and our conversation happened as such:

Me:  “WHAT THE FUCK?!”

Her: “Well, I bought a bunch of groceries for us last night and that’s what you owe me.”

Me: A look of pure confusion as though I had just smelled pure fuckery, then “Whatever, I’ll pay you, but I need my shorts… my wallet’s in them.”

Her: “Oh, there wasn’t enough money there.”

Me: “You went through my wallet and took my money?!”

Her: “Oh, calm down… I only took five dollars!”

Me: Knowing there couldn’t have been much more than five bucks in my wallet, I said, “Well, that’s all you’re getting!”

After getting my shorts, I ran out of the apartment and hurriedly searched for my cell phone to report all of my cards stolen and change all of my credit card information. I was also very concerned that she may attempt to steal my identity and then I woke up. I guess our date didn’t go so well.

Diana DeGarmo Dreams

Seriously, after I wrote that, the Diana DeGarmo song, “Then I Woke Up” came on. She’s stalking me. But I’m currently all over the place musically. While writing this I also needed to hear some Erykah Badu. I had some Honey and then I called Tyrone, and now I’m back to Diana who mentions dreams on just about every single track. She had some dreams until Fantasia Burrito stole them all on American Idol.

XOXO Gossip Girl: Dating Chace Crawford

In another recent dream, my cousin was dating Chace Crawford. I actually meant to tell her about this dream immediately after it happened but I kind of forgot. Oh well, she can read all about it. So you all know that I started watching Gossip Girl at the end of November and finished the entire series at the very beginning of January, right? Well now you do. I became obsessed and I swear to God Serena Van Der Woodsen is my spirit animal. But honestly, I didn’t really have a thing for any of the guys on the show. Except for the episodes that Aaron Tveit was in. Chace Crawford is a good looking guy, don’t get me wrong, but I wasn’t drooling or anything. But nevertheless, my cousin was dating him. In a series of (unfortunate for her) events, Chace ended up dumping my cousin for me. It all got super dramatic from there and went from zero to crazy very quickly.

First, my cousin took everything that Chace owned and threw it out the window. It was very dramatic and even though I was clearly a part of this in the dream, I was still enjoying every single moment. I was probably eating popcorn, too. That’s a lie, I don’t eat popcorn. But you get the idea.

So now Chace’s shit is out on the lawn. Suddenly it dawns on me that it’s about to get real. I attempt to call the police and in this exact moment, Chace decides to leave me for my cousin. I’m not even affected by it because, like I said I wasn’t drooling over him. But again, I left something at Chace’s house and had to return for it. This time it was my cell phone. When I showed up at Chace’s house, his Mom greeted me warmly and I told her I needed to see Chace. She let me right in and when I found Chace, he acted like nothing had happened and invited me on vacation. We packed and left the house immediately. I’m pretty fickle, that way. By the way, I’ve now started a Beyonce concert with all of the shade happening in my timeline on Twitter. Lip syncing happens, get over it.

Lady Gaga & My Inability to Walk

A recurring theme of my dreams lately has been my inability to walk. I’ll begin the dream being perfectly mobile but by the end of the dream I have to crawl. The last dream that I had involved working for an opera company that I used to work for. They had brought in Lady Gaga to perform. This would never, EVER happen, mind you. Although, forty years from now when Gaga is a lounge singer, it very well could happen. But anyways, I went to the concert and kept changing seats to get closer to Gaga, obviously. Everyone around me got super annoyed and I got thrown out of the concert. In an attempt to get back inside, I tried to run back to the other side, but suddenly my legs gave out. I had to crawl back to my home. Then I woke up.

Are your dreams as weird as mine? Let me know about your weird dreams in the comments below!